dear God,

i don't quite know how to pray right now, other than stating that You are right and i am wrong. that sermon last night -- thank You so much for it. what a clear indicator of how messed-up my heart is, and how rife with sin my priorities are. i don't know what to say or do. there's a popsicle stick in my mouth still. the cynic in me says, "and what good will it do to cry, 'Lord have mercy on me, a sinner,' if you're still clinging tightly to sin?"

i look at that ...photo-bait for the article on MSN. You see it. a picture of a bear (springfield bear patrol, anyone?), a lightning strike photo, and the headline, "What's more likely to kill you?"

note the glaring omission of what is most likely to kill a man. namely me and the sorry lot of the rest of us. SIN! the WAGES of SIN is DEATH. [but the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.]

i tell myself the truth. that all Your wrath was exhausted at the cross. and still i live under this cloud, chronically. this cloud of lies and judgment.

judgment. pfft. speaking of which, there was that other article about those people living in hollywood, spending beyond their means. ½ of me wants to judge them. then i read the details. filed for bankruptcy. check. still shop at whole foods. oh. homeschool their daughter. hmm. sounds a lot like me and brandon. oh.

very well. God help us.

run away. keep the faith, you gotta keep the faith; you better keep the faith & run away. real mccoy was seriously on to something.

someday i will Shut Up and Learn To Listen.

slow internet connection is so unreasonably irritating. it used to take hours, it did, it did. now ten seconds is too long. finally.

i can’t remember caring for an hour or so / started crying and i couldn’t stop myself / started running but there's nowhere to run to / sat down on the street and took a look at myself / said where you goin man you know the world is headed for hell / say your goodbyes if you’ve got someone you can say goodbye to...

the end of that song sounds exactly like "long road to ruin" i think. hmm. that's a pretty good song, too. i like the foo fighters and i'm glad for them. they remind me of the x-files and other such 90s-esque things.

i need to stop writing and honestly pray instead of sinfully gloating over the posterity of this. really. really, kim, you make me want to throw up sometimes.

KIM. haven't you learned anything from the last 25 years of your life? Stop your vain imaginings that lead to death; they are sinful. Pride puffs up. A haughty spirit goeth before destruction. Pride goeth before a fall. Humility and worshiping Jesus leads to life. Stop worshiping the vain concept you have of yourself. That's precisely the kind of B.S. satan wants you to do.

This is not entirely unlike certain women, whom we shall refer to as "K," missing the rather ...glaring... concept that certain men, whom we shall refer to as "D," do not like them. You know because you sat right next to her. And it was pathetic, and it reminded you of wasting your life on "A.D." as an idol. Remember? How many years did you waste on that one? 6 or more? Yeah. HELLO. There is nothing there and there never was.

The One Who Does Love You Infinitely is, and always has been, and always will be, is GodtheFatherJesustheSonandtheHolySpiritThreeinOne. Please take note of that fact. God loves you. Jesus loves you. The Holy Spirit dwells in you and reminds you of this fact. There is no one but him and there never has been and never will be. Seeking "love" is not inherently wrong. As a matter of fact, you were designed to crave love and acceptance. However, it is NOT--not-- to be found in men. It is only found in God. Do you understand?

Please feel free, in fact, I invite you... I insist that you come join us in Reality. That imaginary world in your head leads to cutting yourself, bulimia, weight gain, spiritual death, and physical death. How many tormented days are you going to spend in that dark world of lies? I know a safe sun to play in.